Today I was feeling sad, and so it seemed were my girls. I tried to explain to my eldest that we don’t always feel happy and that it’s ok to be sad sometimes – despite nothing being glaringly wrong. It’s been such a full on and exciting Christmas and New Year, that it’s only natural for the high to dip and falter when it’s all over.
But I wasn’t taking my own advice. You see, when I feel sad, I tend to worry there’s something seriously wrong with me or my situation. I try really hard to figure out what could be causing it, and panic that I’m never going to be happy again. I know I have so much to be happy about. But there are always those niggling doubts, for some reason, that I might be fooling myself or that something awful might happen to take it all away.
I know, I’m crazy.
Of course there’s no logic or benefits to worrying. It’s like experiencing the bad when it hasn’t actually happened, putting your body and mind through something that it most likely won’t ever need to deal with. And that is just pointless and stressful.
As you all know, I’ve been struggling with my writing for a little while now. At first, I chose to stop because I was doing too much; I couldn’t keep up the pace and was making myself ill. I decided to focus instead on my wedding and keeping my editing work ticking along.
Now the wedding is over – I’m a happily married girl, yay – and I’ve nearly finished a long term editing project, it’s time to step it up again. But I’ve been scared to start. Scared that I might break down again, scared that I’ll start but not be able to finish, scared to take the leap back into the raging river. Scared that I’ll drown…
And I’ve been a little bit sad inside.
Today I’ve realised (or remembered!) that the only way to not be sad or scared is to do something that feels good. How simple and inspiring those two little words have been to me today.
You see, when my little girl told me she was sad, I asked her to tell mummy what she would like to do to make her feel better. She said – without delay – that she’d like to go to the zoo, and eat a chocolate coin. So I obliged with the chocolate, and we made plans for a zoo visit next weekend. Her little face lit up. So simple. Why couldn’t my sadness lift so easily, I thought?
Until I asked myself the same question. What would make me feel good right now? What would make me happy? What can I do right now to make me feel good? Isn’t it strange that the advice I gave to my child was so applicable to me.
And so I’m writing. I’m writing this post. My first blog in many months. And hopefully the first of many more. Because I love writing. It makes me feel good, and that is all that matters. That, and hopefully making others feel good too. Not finishing my novel, not being successful, not having enough time, not achieving unrealistic goals, that’s all insignificant. I just want to write to feel good. And that will be my way back.
I’m also sitting with my girlies while they drink their bedtime milk, all snuggly and cute, little smiles on their faces as they watch a funny robot movie. And I feel better than I have all day. I feel good. I feel great! And even slightly excited for the writing that awaits me again. For me. To… make… me… feel good.
Happy new year, everyone. I hope you write yourselves a beautiful story this year and find something to make you feel good.
Eleanor Mulder 