i’d rather be afraid…

fear or a feeling?
preparing for the worst
when i have never, ever before
wanted to be so wrong

afraid of writing,
laughing,
planning,
living

i have felt this way many times —
out of control,
my choices chewed up, spat out
like they never existed

yet i am still here,
still choosing what to do
every day i wake up;
can i choose to wake up?

the fear —
my old friend —
this time, i’m happy to see you

for i’d rather be afraid than right

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10 thoughts on “i’d rather be afraid…

      • I had some crappy health news and my fear is that I’m going to go too soon, and leave my beautiful children behind. Man. Crying now. The only way I could express it was a poem. But you have helped me say it out loud. Hope we’ve helped each other somehow. I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure you’re not wasting away. And you wouldn’t be afraid if you didn’t care x

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      • I’m so sorry to hear that you are sick. I’m sick too but I haven’t told anybody…until now, I guess.
        I don’t worry about my children. They have formed a new relationship with their sperm donor and his WTC. They were starving for his attention and they chose him over me. Oh, well.
        Maybe I should re-phrase. I’m afraid…because I’m not afraid. I have no fear of leaving my children…I have no fear of never talking to them or seeing them again…and that, to me….indicates that I am…well, like Loser said…insane.

        Liked by 1 person

      • To me, it sounds like you are numb with hurt. An insane person wouldn’t be having such an in depth discussion. At least I don’t think so. Unless I’m insane too. Hope you get better soon x

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  1. Love this! Sometimes it helps to write a poem or different medium to work out what’s going on in your head. Fear? Pah. It can sod off. Of course, I’m full of rubbish. I feel it every time I send a blog post out to the world or ask someone to read my writing. Still, we keep on doing it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was the only way I could express where I was at. I was too afraid to write a post, because today I didn’t want to be a writer who inspired people in times of trouble. And I feel in trouble with my health. I normally tell fear to sod off, but I let it have its day today 😦

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  2. Pingback: A little bit of wonderful: I got my all clear! | Eleanor Mulder

  3. Pingback: A little bit of wonderful: I got my all clear! | Eleanor Mulder

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