Last night was the first night in a very long while that I had the time and inclination to work on my book.
In recent months (yes, months!), every time that I come back to it, it’s usually been so god damn long that I wonder if it was me who even wrote it in the first place.
90,000 odd words stare back at me, taunting me, laughing at me. Come on, Elle. You’ve only got two chapters to go. Why is it taking you so bloody long to get your act together and finish it? Move on with your life, slowpoke! The longer this takes, the less chance you’ll finish! Can you even do this? Is it even any good?
Of course, my book doesn’t really insult me. My book has been nothing but loyal. Instead, it’s my fear, my impatience, my lack of confidence, my procrastination… I could go on… that clouds my mind. I get so angry at myself for being in almost exactly the same position as I was this time last year.
But anger doesn’t help. I still don’t type a single solitary new word.
Could this be what they call writers block?
Luckily, last night was different. And it’s thanks to you. Yes, YOU – reading this.
You see, yesterday I created a Facebook page, and within 24 hours, I had over 80 people ‘like’ it. I was absolutely blown away.
I must confess to you, though, the reason why I started the page was because I was worried. Worried that my blog posts shared to my personal Facebook page might bug you. Worried that you might ‘unfriend’ me, because you’re sick of me blabbing on about my book (and a book that hasn’t yet materialised at that). I wanted to create a space where I could share my ramblings, my frustrations, my hopes and dreams, a space where everyone has actually signed up to the content. Opted in to my journey. Chosen to hear my posts.
Well, here you are. And there’s way more of you than I expected. But that’s not going to stop me. Because, my dear friends, you have given me confidence, you have validated my voice. I know that I shouldn’t need it to come from the outside, but my inside is a little fragile.
So, thank you. Last night I continued to read my book so far, editing as I went, working my way closer to the point where I’m forced to carry on writing. Forced to finish the story that’s been inside my head for so long. It’s not far away. I can feel it.
I’m not sure if this is the way other writers do it, but last night, I sprawled out on the rug, with a bottle of wine, my printed manuscript, and a pen (in order of importance – just kidding). The girls were in bed, my husband, dogs and cat all snoozing around me, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. My words didn’t taunt me, they didn’t call me names, and I knew I would finish this story, no matter if it’s good or bad.
And it’s the journey that’s important, right?
Even better, I worked again on it tonight. I’ve read up to chapter 17 now. Chapter 25 is where it currently ends. Getting closer. No more shying away.
It’s all about confidence, this life. If you believe you can, you can. And if others believe in you too, then even better.
Welcome to the next steps of my journey . I’m so happy that you’re here.
Now for gods sake, let’s get to the finish line. Make sure you bring along a bottle of the finest red wine to celebrate with me 😉